In the Absence of Confidence
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: America and Korea have taken it upon themselves to help Canada be more confident. When their methods don't work, they decide to call in an expert: Prussia. Christmas present for Lilah (czaplabtheswagmonster). PruCan and Kimchiburger. Oneshot.


**Title: In the Absence of Confidence**

**Pairings: PruCan and Kimchiburger**

**Genre: Romance & Humor (WHEEE)**

**Summary: America and Korea have taken it upon themselves to help Canada be more confident. When their methods don't work, they decide to call in an expert: Prussia. Christmas present for Lilah (_czaplabtheswagmonster_).**

**Length: oneshot**

**Dissing of the Claims: Etaliahay siyay otnay inemay.**

**A/N: The second Christmas present fanfic I'm posting. (I wrote all of my friends these fanfics for Christmas because I'm broke.) Exciting, I know. Enjoy. :)**

* * *

**TheHero:** KIIIIMMMMCHIIIII!11111!1!1

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** OMG WHUT? DIDD ANTONIO FINALLY CLAIM LOVI'S BREATS SO THAT THEY CAN MAKE SWEET, PASSIONATE, TOMATOEY LOVE IN TONI'S APARTMNET, DAZE~?! 8D

**TheHero:** Uh … what? Lovi would never agree to that, dude. The stick up his ass is waaay too big to let Toni's man-cucumber in.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** It's something from a doujinshi Kiku, Lizzie, and I are writing, daze~

**TheHero: **oh. when are you guys gonna let me read those, btw? i'm 19. i'm old enough and _definitely_ heroic enough.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings: **Lizzie thinks that if you got hold of the ones about _us_, your nose would bleed so hard you'd flood the Atlantic, daze~

**TheHero:** why? what do we do in them? wait, there are ones about us?! you _have_ to show me, kimchi! I WANNA SEE!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** no, daze

**TheHero: **PLEEEEEAAAASSEEE? WITH ME ON TOP?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** the puppy-dog eyes only work in person, alfie

**TheHero: **:(

**OriginationOfALLtheThings: ** :D

**TheHero: ** I'll let you top next time. without a fight.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** …

**TheHero:** … waiting …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** deal, daze

**TheHero:** YESSSSS! :) :) :) 8D 8D 8D 3

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** … anyway, what were you so excited about earlier?

**TheHero:** um … uh …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** give it a minute, it'll come to you. heh, come.

**TheHero:** …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *gropes*

**TheHero:** GOT IT!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** it was the groping. that always helps, daze~~~

**TheHero: **yeah, thx, kimchi

**OriginationOfALLtheThings: **np. so?

**TheHero:** it's Mattie.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** Mattie?

**TheHero:** you know, my brother?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** … you have a brother, daze?

**TheHero:** yeah! looks just like me, only shorter, and not as heroic?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** not ringing any bells. And I just groped myself, too.

**TheHero:** well, that's ok … I forget him, sometimes, too – and if someone as heroic as me can forget him, he's easily forgettable. the problem, see, is that he isn't heroic enough.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** not heroic enough?

**TheHero:** you know – not self-confident, not cool around other people, not noticeable … he walked in on us the other day and it took me 10 minutes to see him!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** … I _never_ saw him.

**TheHero:** see? my point exactly.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** I think you just need to grope him more. remind him how awesome his breasts are, and that he originated in South Korea. it'll boost his self-confidence, guaranteed, daze~

**TheHero:** oh! thx, kimchi! you're a genius! *glomps*

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** I know I am, but it's always nice when you remind me :) *gropes*

**TheHero:** ok, I'm off to try it! love you, bye!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** love you, too. tell me how it goes, daze :D

**~BREAAAAAAKKKK~**

**TheHero:** KIIIIMMMMCHIIIII!11111!1!1

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** so, how'd it go, daze?

**TheHero: **TERRIBLE! HE FREAKED! HE SAID HE THOUGHT SOUTH KOREA WAS A WEIRD PLACE AND HE DEFINITELY DIDN'T ORIGINATE THERE – CUZ AFTER ALL, IF HE HAD, HE'D REMEMBER IT! D: D: D:

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** clearly, this dude needs help

**TheHero:** I KNOW!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** so, what do you propose we do, daze?

**TheHero:** WE CAN TAKE SELF-CONFIDENCE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS TOO MUCH, AND PUSH IT INTO MATTIE! IT'S PERFECT!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** a few things, alife. 1. you can _never_ have too much self-confidence. 2. you can't take someone's self-confidence away, it's a crime punishable, by, like, _death by Russian pipe. _legit not good, due. 3. stop talking in all-caps. you're gonna kill your shift key soon, and that would be terrible. I've been to enough funerals in my life already, thx very much

**TheHero:** ok, oky, sorry. but what else is there? I have to save Mattie! letting my own brother go around with that sort of ignorance and unheroicness is just a crime against nature, especially for someone as heroic as I am!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** how about we teach him about self-confidence, daze?

**TheHero:** ooh, why didn't I think of that?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** 'cause you're an idiot, idiot

**TheHero:** :C

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** it's okay, I love you anyway, daze~

**TheHero:** aww, love ya, too, kimchi~

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** :) ur breasts are looking beautiful today, dahling, daze 3

**TheHero: **yours, too 3

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** …

**TheHero:** …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *raep-face*

**TheHero:** oh no u didn't

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** oh yes I did

**TheHero:** are we fightin

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** like hell we fightin

**TheHero:** we takin this OUTSIDE

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** no we fightin HERE

**TheHero:** COME AT ME BRO

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** FUCK YEAH I WILL

**TheHero:** *runs at IN SLOW MOTION*

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *runs at IN SLOW MOTION*

**TheHero:** *glomps IN SLOW MOTION*

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *gropes IN SLOW MOTION*

**TheHero:** haha

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** ahahahaha

**TheHero:** AHAHAHAHAHA

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** heh. I bet u sound like a drunk hyena. a _sexy_ drunk hyena, daze~

**TheHero:** you're the best, kimchi

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** right back at ya, dude

**TheHero:** :)

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** B-)

**TheHero:** …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** …

**TheHero:** so. who do we know who can teach Mattie about self-confidence?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** dude. it's obvious, daze

**TheHero:** it is?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** US

**TheHero:** oh, true! Who's more awesome than we are?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** NOBODY

**TheHero:** EFF YEAH *brofist*

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *brofist* so I'll be at your place in a few hours?

**TheHero:** yup. i'll be eagerly awaiting ur arrival with hamburgers and cokes. like a hero.

**~OH LOOK ANOTHER BREAK~**

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** so, Alfie, how're your boobs doing?

**TheHero:** TERRIBLE D:

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** aw, why? did some big, mean, scary, Russian squeeze them too tight without your (or my) permission?

**TheHero:** NO, IT'S BECAUSE OF MATTIE

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** what about him? *gasp* _he_ didn't squeeze your boobs, did he?

**TheHero:** no … he's all depressed and stuff, and I feel like it's my fault :(

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** of course it isn't your fault, dahling. He just didn't respond well to the self-confidence training, daze

**TheHero:** yeah … looking back on it, I guess telling him to go up to random strangers, smile creepily, and say, "your boobs look beautiful today, dahling" wasn't the best idea …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** ARE YOU INSULTING MY METHODS?

**TheHero:** no, of course not, it's just … your methods didn't work on him

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** MY METHODS WORK ON _EVERYONE_

**TheHero:** not necessarily … different people have different learning strategies, y'know?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** … that may be the smartest thing you've said in a while, daze~

**TheHero:** aw, thank you, kimchi~~~

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** np, my sweet kumquat 3 but what's Mattie's learning strategy?

**TheHero:** I … idk

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** DUDE. THIS IS A PROBLEM. WE MUST DETERMINE HIS LEARNING STRATEGY

**TheHero:** CHALLENGE ACCEPTED (like a hero)

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** start calling people, stat. we have reasonably smart friends. They should be able to help us out, daze

**TheHero:** roger

**~a little while later~**

**TheHero:** okay, Artie says that we should just leave Mattie alone because trying to help him will only lower his self-confidence

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** wow, that British gentleman of yours sure has a lot of faith in us…

**TheHero:** huh? But he doesn't … you're confusing me D:

**OriginationOfALLtheThings: ***holds up sarcasm sign*

**TheHero:** oh …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** anyway, Yao says that he thinks I would make a terrible therapist and should stick to my technology manufacturing

**TheHero:** … want me to kick his ass for you?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** nah, it's fine, I'm used to it. besides, that might hurt your economy …

**TheHero:** oh. right.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** oh, and Kiku says that he doesn't see why Mattie needs self-confidence, as he's such a nice guy

**TheHero:** how does _he_ know Mattie?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** maybe quiet people flock together, daze?

**TheHero:** lol, quiet people parties

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** with no music and no dancing, just a whole lot of awkward xD

**TheHero:** doesn't sound like much of a party, lol

**OriginationOfALLtheThings: **anyway, who else can we call?

**TheHero:** um … I can try the other allies …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** you do that, and I'll try the other Asians, daze~

**~a few minutes later~**

**TheHero:** okay, the Frenchie wasn't any help. he only suggested that we grope Mattie and/or have sex with him, and one of those things we already tried, and the other I don't want either of us to do.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** yeah, glorious as Mattie's boos are, I'm sure, I'm only dedicated to yours, daze~

**TheHero:** but what Germany said might be helpful!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** really? do tell.

**TheHero:** well, sort-of. I asked him what he knew about getting people to be more confident, and he said, "I do not know much about that. You should ask my brother," and then he hung up on me. I don't know who his brother is, though …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** you don't know Prussia? Didn't he help you in your Revolutionary War?

**TheHero:** … woah, wait, you mean that weird army commander dude who taught me how to fight like a boss?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** yeah. even though he isn't a country anymore, I think he's still hanging on, living in Germany's basement or something

**TheHero:** well, I do think he'd be a good person to teach Mattie how to be confident … do you know how to get to him?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** I think I have his email, daze~ … yeah, it's theaweomseme 

**TheHero:** okay, but how does that help us?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** invite him over to play video games with your or something, say you haven't seen him in a while and want to start being friends again, and then invite Mattie over at the same time and …

**TheHero:** and?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** *dramatic pause for effect*

**TheHero:** …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** …

**TheHero:** come on, kimchi, I wanna knowwwwww~~~~~

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** …..  
LOCK THEM IN A ROOM TOGETHER!

**TheHero:** … what? How will that help Mattie?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** if you keep them there long enough, some of Prussia's awesomeness will rub off on Mattie, daze~

**TheHero:** oh … _oh_. kimchi, ur a genius

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** I know, but thanks anyway B-)

**~a few days later~**

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** okay, so, how's the plan going? Success?

**TheHero:** dunno, not yet. I locked them in the bathroom about an hour ago, and still nothing … I mean, Gil hammered on the door for a while, trying to get me to let him out, but they've been pretty quiet for a while now.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** patience, young grasshopper … wait, you locked them in the BATHROOM?

**TheHero:** I wouldn't want one of them to not be able to piss if he needed to. I've had that happen to me – not pleasant, dude, not pleasant at all

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** oh. that actually makes a lot of sense

**TheHero:** :D

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** but seriously, nothing yet?

**TheHero:** I dunno, it's not like I've been watching them

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** you should at least be listening at the door! How will you know what's going on if you don't at least do that?

**TheHero:** … good point  
alright, I'm sitting wit my back against the door now  
Gil is cursing me and searching the bathroom for alcohol

Mattie's trying to get him to stop but he won't listen

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** jerk

**TheHero:** yeah! should I yell at him?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** no, then he'll know you're listening to them

**TheHero:** yeah, so?

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** just … don't, okay?

**TheHero:** alright, whatever

**~a little later~**

**TheHero:** Gil seems to have clamed down more, now. I think he's talking to Mattie.

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** what're they saying?

**TheHero:** Mattie's saying that Gil should apologize to me for destroying my bedroom, but Gil doesn't want to. He says he's too awesome to apologize to anyone

Oh, and now Mattie's asking, really timid—like, how he knows that he's so awesome …

"I just am." Gil sounds surprised. "it's not really something I think about that much."

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** yes! everything is going according to plan!

**TheHero:** I know! wait, and now Mattie's ranting about how nobody ever sees him or remembers him, and it's hard to see or remember reasons to like himself with that kind of life … aw, Mattie … I never knew it was that bad …

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** this is good, though …

**TheHero:** and now Gil's saying that he's surprised – he thought Mattie was actually pretty cool, definitely too cool to be ignored by anyone. not as cool as Prussia himself, but … nice, and kinda funny, and kickass at Mario Kart

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** and Mattie?

**TheHero:** he doesn't believe Gil

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** aww :(

**TheHero: **he says that Gil hasn't known him very long, so he can't really tell what Mattie's like

And Gil says, "okay, well, we might be trapped here for a while, so … why not fix that?"

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** awww :) now what?

**TheHero:** ugh, they're just talking randomly now

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** what about?

**TheHero:** idk, random stuff … Gil about the troubles of not being an official country any more, Mattie about how lonely he is … ouch. Angst. Too much angst

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** there'll be a happy ending, don't worry :)

**TheHero:** I hope so. not happy endings … make me not happy

**~an hour or so later~**

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** it's been like an hour, what's going on now?

**TheHero:** they're _still talking_. Gil's trying to convince Mattie that he's awesome.

they're doing this thing where Gil's all, "repeat after me, I AM AWESOME" and Mattie's like, "I'm not though"

ugh come on Mattie

stop being so MODEST

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** that's really cute though, daze~

this might make a good doujin, now that I think about it …

**TheHero:** OMG

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** what?

**TheHero:** OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOOOOOOOOOM MMMMMGGGGGGGg

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** _what_?!

**TheHero:** THEY'RE KISSING! LIKE LEGIT MAKING OUTWITH TONGUE I DON'T EVEN KNOWWWW

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

**TheHero:** WELL I DUNNO THEY WERE ARGUING AND THEN GIL JUST WENT, "IF YOU WEREN'T AWESOME, WOULD I DO THIS" AND NOW THEY'RE KISSING

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** u don't even know how badly I want to be there right now. Srsly mighty need

**TheHero:** oh, they stopped for breath, and Gil says, "okay, now say it."

"what?"

"tell me you're awesome"

"I'm awesome"

"yes good"

and now they're kissing again

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** literally the most adorable thing

**TheHero:** okay I think I can let them out now

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** NO OMG DON'T ALFIE

**~a few minutes later~**

**TheHero:** okay that was not a good idea

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** I _tried_ to tell u

**TheHero:** Mattie hit me in the face with a hockey stick, where does he even _keep_ the freaking hockey stick?!

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** just don't ask, dude. you probably don't wanna know

**TheHero:** … oh, they're making out again. In the kitchen, this time

**OriginationOfALLtheThings:** good.


End file.
